Intuition Confusion

"Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life." ~ Steve Jobs

Amen, Steve!  After all, that's how I have lived my life.  Followed the feeling in my belly.  Listening to this somatic response to the cosmic energy that was to be my destiny, my adventures of life after college took me to California, Hawaii, New Zealand, Utah and New York City... all in the name of Hollywood and Broadway.  

When that was more for my belly to bear, I got a day job.  When I became mildly bored in my day job, I got certified as a personal trainer,  working with handful of clients after work and on weekends.  
I followed my instinct to start swimming & running again, turning myself in to a little athlete.  

When I could no longer stand the sounds and crowds of New York City, my belly burned to move... and so I did.  Once in Connecticut, my motivated spirit joined a rowing club, did a play, became a MELT Instructor, and went to massage therapy school. 

I dove head first into dating and love... believing in my man and trusting that my feelings were founded by the direct sound council of my inner being.

My belly pointed the way and I followed with all the enthusiasm I could... and I felt great about it.

Needless to say, I am a big believer in following ones instinct... honing in on intuition and letting it be your guide, for it truly won't let you down.

So, what I want to know is.....

Who took my intuition and may I have it back please?  

My belly... it hasn't spoken to me in months and the last time it did, I could have SWORN it told me to take Door #2, not Door #1.

It is odd to me.  This is a new and uncomfortable moment of time in my spirit.  For the first time since I can remember being aware of somatic intuition, I feel... nothing.  

You know that feeling when you are really hungry, but have no idea what you want to eat because nothing at all is appealing?

That's how I feel about everything all the time lately.  

It is unsettling, confusing and most times, depressing.

This is beyond my comprehension.  Being an open hearted optimist is my food, my fuel... how have I ended up in such dire starvation?

About a year ago, I read a book on manifesting your visions for your future.  I thought this was such a wonderful concept... to sit in silence in the morning, day dream and write down those days dreams.  Just being in present thought with those visions would allow them to come true!  The great power of the Law of Attraction!  WOW!

So I DID!  I day dreamed (which is hardly a stretch for me).  I wrote down my visions.  I believed in them and had faith that they would become manifest in my life and I would live happily ever after.  My body responded with delight and excitement.  This must be the way to go!!!

In spite of this seemingly profound work, within about six months I seemed to manifest the opposite of what I had envisioned.

What did I do wrong?  Was it not my intuition I was helping out in my visions and writings?  Surely it will be so...  

Slowly, as life plodded along without my desired expectations, I began to shut down... no longer did I sit with my morning journal and envision my future perfect life.  Soon, there were no more visions.  No one and nothing turned me on.  

If I feel nothing inside, how can I learn?  Is this emptiness, this intuitive confusion my classroom?

How can I avoid going against my better judgement when there is nothing to trust, no better judgement to even consider avoiding?  

In hindsight, I am pretty sure what I once thought was my better judgement talking was actually just a bad emotional decision.

What is WRONG with me?  I feel like I have a nasty virus that has filled me with sadness, anger and lack of desire.  

I ponder this nasty virus of mine constantly, wondering how I got it and how I may eradicate it from my soma. There are definitive moments over the last year where certain relationships within all aspects of my life were less than ideal.  Little things and not-so-little things, bit-by-bit, chipped away at my optimistic and gleefully intuitive nature.  In consistent, small doses I have been stolen from, lied to, deceived, blown off, let down, mislead and bullied.

So what?  This is life, right?  Be a duck and let it roll off my back...

I really wish I could cry it out for a good two days or so.  Just like sweating out a virus.  

Instead, I am just angry.  All the time.  I feel bad for people who piss me off.  

My life is actually really great and I am so grateful for all I have (job, home, food, clothing, health, family, friends).  What the heck is my problem?

I am confident that the tide will turn soon and all will be well....... (those are words I have just now made myself write, like a stupid positive affirmation.  It is hardly a message from within).

In an effort to move the tide along and cease this pitiful purgatory, I am forcing myself to do the very things I don't feel like doing, even though most of them are things I love...  

I have made an appointment to practice my CranialSacral work on a friend next week...

I looked into the adult program of The School of Rock because I have always wanted to sing in a rock band... 

With enormous effort, laden with bitter annoyance, I reactivated my account.

My new apartment will get some new paint colors next week.  I will get a little area rug for the living room.  I will find someone reliable to help install some needed shelving.

I will start going back to church regularly... next week.  

The mornings will begin with MELT and prayer and the gym.  My body will get stronger.  My faith will grow again.  My anger will be replaced with my joy. 

Confusion shall dissipate and clarity within my intuition shall resume.

My belly and I will be back in business again...

Pray for me.